My dog is trying to kill me!

No seriously – is this the face of an assassin? I think it is!

You may think he's using this stick to build a snowman - but he's really sharpening it into a spear to stab me through the heart!!
You may think he’s using this stick to build a snowman – but he’s really sharpening it into a spear to stab me through the heart!!

How do I come to the conclusion that my dog is trying to murder me?

It might be the rugby tackle to the legs he does ALL THE TIME! One paw wrapped round your leg as you’re casually walking along and wham, you hit the ground!

It might be the fact he always has to run down the stairs right in front of you and then JUST STOP so you have to re-balance yourself so you don’t fall down the rest of the stairs.

It might be the way he pushes his big heavy head into the back of your knees trying to get you to fall over, then once you’re on the ground he can sit on you till you’re all out of air!

But I think his sneakiest plot is the one to gas us all with the foul smells he emits every evening!

If I’m ever found dead in the house then you’ll all know whodunit – it was the dog!!

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